The Chinese History of Sleep

Woke up today, unemployed and achey breaky as usual. Responded to an email from Dirty, in which she kindly offered to send me anything I need from the US. I graciously decline, and then all of a sudden my fingers take a life of their own, and my sweet email back to her starts to erase, and an uncontrollable catharsis of bed rage spills out on the page. The issue is: why the fuck do Chinese people have no concept of comfortable mattresses! The bed I sleep on is so unforgiving, it feels like two boxsprings stacked on top of each other. I have asked my friends where the nearest Sleepy's is, and they simply laugh, and assure me I can spend $1k US to buy a mattress with a paltry padding not unlike a medium-flow day pantiliner, but it is futile, and I must give up all dreams of flouncy, downy softness. I am befuddled, and then I suddenly conjure up the image of ancient Chinese relics of PORCELAIN pillows.

Understanding, but not acceptance, slowly sets in.


I always wondered as a child who these two adorable, pale, cute friends of mine were. They never responded when I poked them, taunted them, and yes, mounted them. I thought they were the best buddies ever, never talking back and never budging to protect themselves. Then I found out they were porcelain pillows! Imagine a child trying to process the concept of cold, hard, nonsensically inflexible pillows. I tried to keep my distance from the stone cold duo for most of my teenage years, and made it obvious that I loved my body pillow more, since it was soft and lovingly absorbent of my angsty tears and drool. So anyways, I guess modernity in China travels at a snails pace, since they think mattresses modeled after concrete are in vogue. This is one thing I am NOT happy about.